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Broken road

Day 5: planned to have breakfast with
Courtney and head out to Albuquerque around 9...

Woke up at 12:30! Didn't leave until 1. But who really cares. Spent the whole day in the car, so nothing terribly exciting happened. Other than some really good laughs and some of the most beautiful sites I have ever seen. The rolling hills of Texas are mind blowing. Arrived at our hotel around 11:30. Basically ran with our hands full into the hotel because it seemed incredibly sketchy. It actually ended up being a really nice place, just not the greatest part of town. Temperpedic beds, can't complain. Full bellies thanks to the hotel blue's continental breakfast. On the road the freaking Los Angeles today. Updates later. (:

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Remember the Alamo

Day 3:
SO, slept like a death sentence. It was like an ice box in this house, which makes NO sense to me because it's 100 degrees outside here. Woke up to a Mcdonalds breakfast, courtesy of Courtney. Ran some errands during the day, i.e. trip to the nail salon that I'm sure Court will never forgive me for. haha, spent the whole afternoon and evening down at RiverCenter, which is AMAZING. We visited the Alamo, and lots of gift shops, then had dinner at this restaurant called Dick's Last Resort. AWESOME. Their job is to make fun of the customers. Our waitress seemingly had no issue doing that with us. We had napkins thrown at us, cups full of straws, beyond humiliating hats, but some absolutely amazing laughs and something I will never forget. Did some errands that night and then kicked it at Court's. All in all, good day. Love these girls. Life's good today.

Day 4: hands down best day of the trip thus far. Bought the most amazing tube ever to take out on the river today. Went down to Guatalupe State Park and spent the day on the water. It was so nice to see the sun and just hang out. The water was perfect, scenery was perfect, and I couldn't have asked for better company. We drove 2 cars out there so Courtney and I drove home together. We had one of the most honest talks of our friendship, to this day I think. I guess this whole trip just put a lot in perspective for me because I never really got a chance to know who she is as a person. It's usually a quick visit, and we virtually only communicate through texting. So it was really nice to HEAR stories, and see reactions. She makes me so incredibly proud. More than she will ever understand. Had dinner at Freddie's. We do not have these in florida, it's like steak n shake just 100 times better. Courtney had to work tonight so we ran a few errands, did her grocery shopping, and then got onto base to visit her at work. I have been doing laundry for over 4 hours now, so I'm drained and tired. And making a 12 hour trip to Albuquerque, New Mexico tomorrow.

Sleeping forever,

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drivers from HELL.

The morning after our first real day went really smooth in my opinion. We all slept in to the rigorous hour of 9:00am, after a long night of girl talk and laundry. We took advantage of our free complementary breakfast at the HoJo, and then left for San Antonio. I drove first, then Meg. It was a short trip so we only had to stop once. Texas is not what I expected it to be although we are only a fourth of the way through this big state. Although I NEVER imagined running into some of the worlds rudest drivers. Apparently they all own the road, which is never good when there is like a 3934823494 million amount of "Texans" as they call themselves. We arrived at Courtney's around 5pm, took showers, got ready and went to the Alamo Theater, I think that's what it was called. Anyways, coolest thing ever. We saw the hangover II and had a full blown dinner in the theater, waitress, 15.00 meals. Most legit thing I've ever seen. Clearly don't get out much ;) Went straight home from there and just hung out with the girls. It was so amazing to spend time with Courtney, and it makes me so happy that my girls are getting to know her too. That was it for Day 2.

until tomorrow,


Exactly 2 months ago today, Megan and I decided over a zingerdilla at Ale House that we were going to do something crazy this summer. So here I am. Sitting in a hotel room in Lafayette, Louisiana. On our way to Los Angeles, California.
Day 1:
Woke up at 4:30 to hit the showers. Woke the girls, took some pictures in our "road trip clothes." said our goodbye's to Megan's parents and hit the ground running. Megan was first to drive, then me, and then Joy. Everything went incredibly smooth until the industrial cities where joy decided to pull off the interstate in fear of the approaching bridge... Enough said. ;) we checked in at our hojo and now we're headed to dinner at Tampico, a Mexican restaurant in town. We were all craving and our homemade sammies didn't cut it all day! Tomorrow, we are driving to San Antonio, Texas to see my Courtney. Can't wait to see her. Wish us luck.

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I have realized lately that I am wonderful at preaching to people about where they are going wrong, but when it's me, I just can't see it.
"Don't let anyone make you believe that what's making YOU happy, isn't right."
It's true. Totally and completely. Because at the end of the day, I am laying down in bed with myself, spending every hour of everyday with myself. And if I am happy, then, really that's all that matters. I have finally accepted the fact that I can control any and every situation in my life, even if it's not the result I want. Even if I want so badly for something to work out, or be fixed, or start over, either direction it may go, it is my choice. This is more about friends than anything tonight. I had the best nap ever today, I think because I fell asleep happy. It doesn't matter what is going to happen tomorrow, or in 6 months, or 6 years. I was happy today. And for once, that is enough. I have learned that sometimes, it's better to let your actions speak instead of words. Sometimes, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut and just live a little.
Today, I also accepted the fact that, I am 18. And I have so much life to live. Places to go, and people to meet. I hope that I can do that with him. I do. But until he wants to do that with me, I'm just going to be happy with the time I do spend with him, because in actuality, he makes me happy.
It's amazing how things change day to day. Life comes at you fast, but I am learning to take things one day at a time. It makes everything much easier.

I wish I could say all the right things to her. Because she deserves to be so terribly happy. She deserves to be treated like a princess because she has treated him like a prince for all this time. I wish that she hadn't seen this glimpse of what someone else could do for her, because I think it scared her even more. I wish that she didn't have this big huge heart that doesn't stop giving because now she just doesn't know how to stop. I hope that it doesn't take her long to realize what's going to make her happy. It's been to long since she has been. I keep saying a little prayer for the right words to say. <3
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." believe in yourself, that's what I can say to you. Because you can make yourself happy, and there is someone out there who wants to do that too.

for always, forever.
- relationship whisperer, who sucks at working on her own. ;)
"What and if?" "As seperate words they are completely harmless, but together, they have more power than one can imagine."
What if, we never found true love. Or what if, when we found it, we were so afraid of holding onto it, we just let it slip away. I have been scared of a lot of things. Falling in love, and being in love is not one of those things. It suprises me however, how easily scared people are of something that is so powerful, and wonderful, and all together earth shattering. I know that with love, we can do many wonderful things. Letters to Juliet did a lot of things for me today, and I don't know why. When I see a teenage love movie, I guess it hits home because that's where I'm at in life. But to see a movie, where a 60 year old woman still went out searching for her first love, broke me. I am convinced if my grandma could, she would fall back into my grandfathers arms, even though he left her. Even though he cheated on her. Even though he treated her like she was unimportant towards the end. At what point does the guilt set in. For this woman, it took 50 years.
Does true love exisit? Do you think that there is only one person in this whole universe for each person? I don't konw anymore. I used to think so, however that would mean that like 3/4 of this world has ended up with the wrong person. Why can't it just be easy. What if we were born in the arms of the person we were intended to be with forever. How easy would life be.
I think that love has lost its value. At least the essence of the word love has lost its value. Love used to mean, endless, forever and always, one and only. We use the word "love" now, like it's nothing. I really don't think I was meant to live in this time period, I'm pretty sure I'm stuck in the body of a woman from the 40's and 50's. When men would chase after women to no extreme to keep them. When love was something cherished and something that was rare. When it was perfectly okay to be clingy and want to be with your significant other all the time. It's frowned upon now. At least to the 16-21 age range. ohhh dear.

"love is crazy pretty baby, take it real slow."
off to dream,
- the hopeless romantic.

to a new tomorrow.

If I could do with my life, the things I can do with my words in writing, it would be so easy to change things. It's amazing how you can tell a whole story, share complete thoughts and feelings so easily when you're writing. It's too bad I can't vocalize it better. This entry isn't really about me today. I can't ever seem to find the right words to say to you so I'm hoping that you'll read this and understand. I have never been more nervous than I was the day you left for Texas. And I have never been more afraid of losing someone. Emotions change, but I feared losing you for good. I hope that you read this and believe every word of what I'm saying and truly take into consideration how much you really do mean to me. I am so proud of the woman you're becoming and I can't even begin to scrape the surface of what you've experienced the past two years, for that matter the past two months of your life. <3 I have always had a soft spot for you and I always will. I never had a sister, but I am so glad that you are that person for me. I couldn't ask for a more understanding, better listening, more caring person to turn to. I hope you never lose sight of that, Court. Never ever.

I can't stop thinking today about where I'm going with my life. Everyone is going somewhere and I feel like I'm just sitting here in stand still watching my life fly by. I've been a "big girl" for a whole year. And I have nothing to show for it. I think I need to take a trip. I studied French for too long not to experience their culture. Maybe I'll leave this town for a little while and study abroad or something. I think I need to get away, to discover the pieces of me that are missing right now.

until tomorrow <3
- me.

The past is practice.

"I just want to get married and leave all the bull shit behind." I swear I haven't been able to forget those words since Meagen said them to me a few days ago. If the past is only practice, what are we practicing for? To avoid heartache in the end? Or to make the end that much sweeter. I truly believe that bad things happen to make the good ones that much more important. I just hope that proves true for everything in life. I know too many good people who deserve to be eternally happy for all the bad stuff they have been dealt. I wish that I could be the person to give people the break that they need. I want to take Joel in, and keep him forever. I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone's parents, blood relatives, can put you out on the street. I really can't stand some of the people in this world.
Happier notes.
I don't even want to begin on my religion rant. Or lack there of. But for some reason, I have been praying before bed the past few nights because it helps me get those last few thoughts out before I sleep and it doesn't keep me up. But I swear He listened to me last night. I question religious views all the time and I am in constant confusion as to why, who, what, when. But I have never been more sure that he heard my prayers. It wasn't like drastic changes or anything, but I was happy today. Genuinely happy. I'm not afraid of believing again. And I'm not afraid of rededication. I am afraid of being let down. I am afraid of trusting that what the bible says is true, and it proving not to be. If you have taught me anything, journal, I suck at trusting. That wasn't exactly the realization I planned on arriving at tonight. I don't trust myself enough to fully stick to a diet because I fear that I will eventually give up on myself, I don't trust myself enough to put my life in the hands of the almighty because, maybe he doesn't exist, and I can't trust myself to love with my whole heart because I can't trust you enough to keep it safe.

I'm just going to call you Ele, short for Elaine. We just lost a family friend and she was one of the greatest listeners I have ever known., her name was Elaine. She cared about everybody, maybe you will care about me just as much <3

Sweet Dreams,
your trusted friend.

pinky promises & cheap food.

It's weird when you think about who you see in your future. Who's going to be a part of it, and who will never be. I never saw myself with her in my life right now. But it's strange how I can't seem to remember what I did when she wasn't in it. I guess I can just say I'm thankful today. Graduation was an eye opener for me. Maybe that it's been an entire year since I was walking across that stage and that few things in my life have changed. Or maybe it was a sense of comfort that just enough things have in fact changed in my life. I'd like to think I'm a stronger person today then I was then. And that I know myself a little better. Do you understand that I have longed to trust him just as much as I do right now, for at least a year. 365 days of my life I want that. Why is it that I can have everything in the palm of my hand, but the intangible stuff seems virtually impossible to overcome. I think my confidence and inner trust is the culprit. I think that when I finally am satisfied with myself, I can be satisfied in my relationships too. Once I can finally convince myself that I am good enough, then I will be. I'm not afraid of a lot of things. I'm not afraid of dying, or never changing, I'm not afraid of loving, or being heart broken. I'm not afraid of being left behind. I'm not afraid of spiders, or frogs. <3 I'm afraid of trusting and being let down. I'm deeply afraid of using one of the greatest traits I have always had, being able to trust without looking back, and having it ripped away from me. What a stupid fear. I want you to know I trust you. I want you to know that I would do anything in this world to give you my whole heart of trust and for it to be easy. But I also want you to know, the hard things in life are often time the best, longest lasting things. I would have done anything to keep you in my arms forever, no matter what it took to get you to understand. I still will.
I hope that you know, journal. That you are a really incredible out from this world some nights.
Thank you. <3

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend."